Slayers Excellency (Chapter 4)
Previous Chapters: One, Two, Three
Canon: Slayers/Excel Saga
Title: Slayers: Excellency Chapter 4 - The Bear Necessities
Pairing(s): Lina/Gourry/BEAR
Warnings: It is a crossover of Slayers and Excel Saga.
Wordcount: 1416
Summary: Lina and Gourry enjoy a nice breakfast in bed, Excel falls down the pit, and Zel has gotten himself in over his head…
Most people who’d say, “I’m so hungry I could eat a bear,” are joking.
It wasn’t your average breakfast in bed (and if Lina and Gourry cared or even remembered that they were in a bed, they set those feelings aside for the sake of food). The inn owner cooked from a balcony barbecue, and they ate like there was no tomorrow, or at the very least, no food tomorrow.
Xellos, who sat by cheerfully sipping tea, piped in about halfway through the meal, “My, it’s good to see you two so trusting after having been poisoned last night.”
Lina and Gourry paused, but only briefly. They would worry about that when they were less hungry.
When little more than a bearskin rug remained, Lina stopped using her fork as a utensil of mass destruction and begin using it for stark, accusatory pointing. “Hey, Mr. Owner! What kind of place are you running here, anyway? You always poison your customers?”
“Poison,” he replied, his gaze faraway. “They gave us each a cyanide capsule, during the rougher parts of the war. In the darkness of the trenches, that little pill felt like it was made of magic.”
Lina, hoping that the man’s nonsense might have filtered through the wadded up newspapers in Gourry’s skull to the part of his brain where the swordsman kept his animal instincts, turned to her partner and whispered, “Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?”
Gourry, whose mouth was occupied sucking the marrow out of a massive femur, merely shrugged.
With an exasperated sigh, Lina continued her questioning. “Who were those women? Why’d they drug our food?”
“Those women…” he echoed, bald head glistening, never looking away from whatever it was he saw beyond the walls. “I once believed they were my allies. Did they have a reason for what they did? I can’t say. This world is a whole different kind of battle. Friends and foes, traitors and spies… everyone is wearing a uniform of a different color.”
Lina shot a, ‘Can you believe this guy?‘ look to Gourry, but he was still hard at work on the femur. Feeling rather alone in her sanity, but not yet desperate enough to seek camaraderie in Xellos, she shot him a kick beneath the sheets.
He choked on the femur, but it was quickly dislodged when she kicked him in the back.
“It occurs to me,” the owner said suddenly, brow furrowing into big, bald ripples, “If they were spies, that might explain why my first three inns burned like Agent Orange through the jungle night.”
“They burned down three inns and you kept rehiring them…?”
“The evidence seemed circumstantial.”
Lina buried her face in her hands and groaned. “Do you know anything about them? At all? Their names, where they live, if they have any hobbies outside of poisoning and property destruction…?”
“I never asked,” he replied.
Xellos smiled brightly. “My, my. He seems rather dark, but Mr. Owner is a very easygoing person, in some ways.”
“That’s not the word I would’ve used.” Lina had not lifted her head, and frankly saw no reason to do so.
“Hey, Lina?” Gourry had just run out of marrow, and was once again ready to vaguely acknowledge the world around him. “What are we going to do now?”
“We go to Eff City,” she said. “There’s not much else to do. It’s the only city near here, so they’ll probably have to go there if they want to… Pawn. Our. Stuff.” She spoke the last three words as though they caused her physical pain.
“They got the Sword of Light… do you think that’s what they were after to begin with?”
Lina considered. “Could be they’re just bad waitresses who’ve gotten in over their head. If that’s the case, we shouldn’t have too much trouble getting it back.”
Gourry brightened. “You think?”
“No, I think they’re probably getting ready to hand it over to some kind of cliched villain with a bad laugh as we speak.”
Gourry’s face fell. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
The mighty Lord Il Palazzo sat upon his mighty throne, his mighty presence emanating mightily. He dressed in a style similar to Rezo the Red Priest, both in that his shoulder pads had the strength to destroy villages, homes, and crops, and that he looked as though a blind man had dressed him. With a curtain. (Incidentally, if one were listen to his frequent monologues, one might notice he even sounded similar to the Red Priest, but this was nothing more than coincidence.)
“HEIL IL PALAZZO!”
In the wide chamber of his secret underground hideout, Il Palazzo’s three subordinates saluted with the kind of power, dignity, and charisma that was befitting of future world conquerors.
The previous sentence is a lie.
Hyatt, always the weakest link, bled quietly in a heap on the floor. Elgala was doubled-over and wheezing, her trademark ringlets drooping. Only Excel remained vertical, and even she wobbled as though she might topple at any minute.
Il Palazzo, who would normally have launched into a long, verbose, and generally nonsensical speech about world corruption, merely frowned at the disgraceful scene before him.
“Did something happen?” he asked.
“Yessir! Nosir. Kind of, sir.” The blonde’s head bobbled left to right on its axis. “We participated in an extracurricular activity which, I feel, made a small dent into the overall corruption of our world, but was not specifically linked to our exact mission, per se.”
“I see. And is this related to your ragged appearance?”
“It was my Senior’s wish to dash back and report to you right away,” Elgala wheezed.
“Did you want her to catch up with us?” Excel hissed through her teeth. “They say if Lina Inverse so much as looks at a travel brochure, property values drop!”
“Lina Inverse?” Il Palazzo echoed.
“Yessir! The formidable Lina Inverse, Enemy of All Who Work in Customer Service!”
“I, Elgala, believe the title was somewhat different…”
“I am aware of the name,” he said, only the merest tinge of impatience in his voice. “I would like to know why you mentioned it.”
“We defeated her, my lord!” Excel shouted, brimming with pride.
Il Palazzo nodded, seeming to genuinely believe this claim. “I believe I’m beginning to understand. Did you best her in a swordfight?”
“Huh? Um, not exactly…” Excel blinked. “Oh! Oh. My observant lord must have noticed this!” She had left the armor in the ACROSS locker room, not wishing to squish her uniform’s glorious shoulder pads, but having a sword was just plain too awesome not to strap the sucker on. She unsheathed it, presenting it for Il Palazzo to see. “Pretty bitchin’, huh?”
The lord adjusted his glasses. “Would you mind if I took a closer look at that?”
“O-of course not!” Resheathing the sword, she scrambled up to his throne. She held it out at arm’s length, and blushed fiercely when he took it, gloved fingers just barely brushing against her own.
“This is very good,” he said, voice distant.
“Yes, it… it has a nice handle,” she replied lamely. “W-would you like to have it, Lord Il Palazzo?”
“It is not my desire to impose. Are you certain you wish to part with this?”
Excel was not used to being this close to the man, and when he glanced up from the sword to look her in the eye, she thought she might melt into a puddle, or soar above the clouds, or some hilariously disgusting combination of the two. “I am absolutely, positively, completely, utterly, fantastically, supremely, wholly, thoroughly, violently 100% certain.”
“Then, I shall accept this tribute,” he said. “Thank you.”
Excel did not walk so much as flutter back to her spot. Elgala glared at her with the kind of envy that would cause eye lasers in a more magically talented person, and Hyatt spurted slightly.
Excel was just opening her mouth to spout some more delighted gibberish, when the blade fell to the floor with a metallic twang. Her jaw, conveniently agape, remained so.
Il Palazzo, however, showed no reaction. He simply slipped the sword handle into his cloak and continued on with business as usual. “Now, returning to the matter originally at hand, would you care to report on your actual mission?”
“…uh,” was the best she could sputter out.
Il Palazzo pulled his rope, and the trap door flew open beneath her.
Immediately, the sounds of fighting rang from below, “BEARS!” was Excel’s battle cry. “WHY BEARS!?”
“There is one thing I have to warn you about,” said Shiouji as he led the chimera into his laboratory.
“And what is that?” asked Zelgadis, but as he finished speaking, he knew. He could feel the presence of something dark slipping into the room, and he reached for his sword.
“My mother,” Shiouji said, glasses gleaming.
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